Sarah Nigbor

This week finally broke me. Life has been wearing at me for a while, like swirling water against a stone. I pride myself on keeping it together, especially in tough times. But I was broken this weekend by a darn movie. My daughter suggested we watch “Hachi.”

For those who haven’t watched “Hachi,” it’s the story of a faithful Akita dog who waits for his deceased owner at the train station every day for nine years until he finally dies. His owner, played by Richard Gere, rescued the dog from the train station when it was a puppy. He had been shipped to the United States from Japan, but somewhere along his circuitous route, the address tag ripped off and no one knew where the beautiful pup belonged. The dog, in a sense, found Gere and claimed him as his own. Gere died two years later of a stroke, but Hachi couldn’t accept that his owner wouldn’t step off the next train, like he did every day after work. So he waited. Through sleet, through rain, through blistering sun, he waited, only to take up his post each morning.

I swore to God the first time I watched it years ago I would never watch it again. It’s a wonderful, beautiful, heartwarming movie, but it’s also incredibly sad. And I’m a sap when it comes to sad movies. I wept like a baby. Feeling Hachi’s despair deep in my bones, the tears steamrolled down my face. It’s not a pretty sight as I’m a messy crier. My husband teased me, which only added to the misery. Never again, I said. I guard my feelings closely and I don’t like losing “control” of them. Not healthy, I know, but it’s hard to break habits.

If you read my column, you know I’ve had a rough year. Or maybe I should say, the people I love have had a rough year and I’ve tried to take care of them. My husband has been dealing with health issues since November, which have had us in and out of the ER, doctors visits up the wazoo, and more. His grandmother is 90, lives three hours away, and only has my husband and his two cousins left. She often needs help with things like yard work, maintenance, etc. We try to get there as much as we can, but it’s hard. My own mother has needed quite a bit of help after her second broken hip and I’ve been over to her place almost daily, trying to take care of things. Throw in four busy kids ages 10-16 who are in multiple sports and activities, plus learning last week I have to have a third sinus surgery in a year, and I’ve had enough.

I’ve had to reschedule more interviews and meetings than I can count this year, due to family and children’s illnesses and mishaps. Just this week, my daughter came down with pink eye in both eyes. As I looked at her poor, crusty, goopy eyes, I mentally threw in the towel. She and I stayed behind to rest for the weekend while Hubby and the boys went camping. I had been so looking forward to a weekend away, but it was not to be.

Back to Hachi. My daughter asked if we could watch it on Saturday night, and I reluctantly gave in. I knew I’d probably end up a mess, but my daughter is sensitive too and would understand. Plus, how could I say no when she was sad to miss camping too? I just didn’t realize how it would hit me like a tidal wave. I wept and wept and wept, angrily wiping the tears away with a sodden Kleenex until I just gave up and let them roll downward. Carolina just gently handed me more Kleenex and said “Oh Mommy, it will be ok.” That made me cry harder.

Whatever was wrong with me? I know the movie is based on a true story, but seriously, this much weeping over a dog?

Then I realized. It wasn’t about the dog, not entirely. My mind had finally had enough. Months and months of taking care of people, trying to solve unsolvable problems, being the rock while others fall apart, keeping up with a full-time job, four kids and stuff around the house (sometimes alone) had taken its toll. Wondering if anything or anyone was going to get better or if everything would just keep going to crap had worn me down. The dam I had built so carefully broke. And did it feel good when it was over. I felt cleansed. I slept like a rock for 10 hours straight that night. That never happens. I’m lucky to get a good six.

This is quite a personal story to share. But I wanted to do so to show you that if you are struggling with keeping it together, you are not alone. I will gladly talk with you, if you need an ear, but I will not watch “Hachi.”