Sarah Nigbor

“They’re not ghosts, I can promise you that.”

You could have heard a pin drop in the Pierce County Court Room last week during the sentencing of Wyatt Blomberg, who was convicted of second-degree sexual assault of a child, as one of the victim’s father’s read an impact statement.

Who are the ghosts he was referring to? The young women who reported that Blomberg sexually assaulted them. Ghost is an accurate metaphor. Sexual assault is isolating; it causes shame in many victims, and the trauma is often invisible. Many survivors of sexual violence are often silenced, marginalized or made to feel invisible by society. That happened here in Ellsworth. It happens all over. And it makes me sick. Many people didn’t believe these young women and made their lives a living hell, with rumors, snide remarks, ostracizing, blame. To think of the trauma they’ve endured and some still had the courage to speak up despite how they were treated is astounding. Kudos to those who believed them, supported them, helped them and made them feel less invisible.

Sexual assault survivors are often afraid to report attacks because they’re worried people won’t believe them. Victim-blaming is common and to be honest, it makes my blood boil. How many times have you heard that a woman “asked for it” because of how she was dressed or the time of night she was out, or that she “led him on” or was careless. How about instead of blaming the victims, we condemn those who commit the crimes? How on God’s green earth does anyone think that rape is ever acceptable? Especially of children?

According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), nearly every minute in the United States, someone is sexually assaulted; every nine minutes that someone is a child. More than 423,000 people in the US experience sexual violence each year; 1 in 6 women has experienced attempted or completed rape in her lifetime, compared to 1 in 33 men. A whopping 68.5% of victims were at or near home or a relative’s home when the assault occurred.

We as a society need to be better role models, especially for young men. Fathers and male role models need to teach their sons/family members that no means no. They need to teach them to respect women and boundaries. A woman wearing a swimsuit or skimpy dress is not an invitation to take what you want. It’s time we stop using the phrase “boys will be boys.”

Recently, several middle school girls in Ellsworth received a Snapchat message from a high school boy. Pardon the language, but we need to stop hiding our heads in the sand. The message read, “When are one of you whores going to send me pix of your tits?” This was a high school boy sending this to multiple middle school girls. The girls did the right thing and immediately reported it to school officials, who I commend for taking it seriously and handling it appropriately. You can say the boy learned to talk that way from social media, TV, an infinite number of places, but I’d bet money on it that he heard it at home too.

I’ve worked in several bars/restaurants throughout my adult life and the things that have come out of men’s mouths have often made me feel dirty, degraded, scared and angry. I’ve been grabbed, pinched, followed at night. As the mother of a daughter, I am terrified that this could one day happen to her. The odds are not good that it won’t. I am doing my best to teach her to defend herself, to set boundaries, to speak up when she is uncomfortable. But what if it’s not enough?

I know that most men (I hope) are not like this. I beg you, if you haven’t already, to step up and guide other males how to be upstanding, respectful young men. To those that do, thank you.

As for all those ghosts: I see you and you’re not invisible. You matter.