Sarah Nigbor

The week before Christmas, I’m ashamed to say our house was an absolute mess. Between my husband and I both working nonstop, running kids around and helping Mom transition to a new living situation, the time for cleaning was nil. Kids are also slobs, so that didn’t help things any. For a time, we just gave up and lived in clutter and did the bare minimum to keep it livable.

However, by Christmas break, I couldn’t take it anymore. Part of “vacation” was spent scouring the house, sorting through kids’ closets, rearranging bedrooms, purging, donating old toys and clothes and washing load after load after load of bedding and laundry. It felt amazing, but boy, was it a lot of work.

As we drove home from a family gathering on New Year’s Day, my husband and I talked about how nice it would be if the house actually stayed clean. Living with children makes that next to impossible, no matter how much nagging you do, rules you implement or chores you torture them with. It gets old. A never-ending battle I’m frankly sick of fighting. So I’m plotting my revenge. It may be in the future, but I am sure looking forward to it.

When our children have their own homes, when we visit my husband and I will:

• Leave every single drawer open in their dressers and kitchen.
• Use a new glass every time we need a drink and leave them all in the living room.
• Throw dirty laundry all around the hamper instead of in it.
• Smear toothpaste all over the sink and faucets and spray the mirror with toothpaste spit.
• Leave one cracker or one chip in a bag or box so you THINK there are more left, but really, it’s empty.
• Eat their leftovers from a restaurant without asking.
• Fill their children with candy, pop and more sugary sugar and leave.
• Throw wrappers and pop cans all over their vehicles and spill drinks in cupholders. Oops.
• Take the towels we want out of the towel closet from the bottom of the pile so all the towels, which WERE neatly folded, fall out in a heap on the floor. Then walk away.
• Complain how hungry we are for dinner, then refuse to eat once dinner comes because we secretly filled up on cupcakes and chips in our room.
• Knock all the shampoo and soap bottles off the ledges in the shower and leave them.
• Sing and talk to them loudly when they’re on the phone or a Zoom meeting.
• Wear our shoes in the house after it rains and after they’ve washed the floor.
• Toss around the football in the house, knocking stuff over. When it breaks, it was “an accident.”
• Play videos on our phones as loudly as possible, especially in the car.
• Leave refrigerated food on the counter for hours on end, because “someone else will take care of it.”
• Ask them to do laundry at 11:30 p.m. at night and have all the dirty clothes turned inside out.
• Dry ourselves off after a shower ON the rug, rather than in the shower, so the rug is soaking wet for the next person to walk in. Hopefully they’re wearing socks too.
• Drink all the milk in the house at night, then inform them at midnight that there’s no milk for morning cereal.
• Take 45-minute showers before anyone else gets up so all the hot water is gone.

I’m sure I can think of more before it’s our turn to turn the tables. When the kids are getting the best of me, I will think of my list. And I’ll smile. Someday, they’ll get it.