Sarah Nigbor

This past year has been a year of adjustment and I almost feel like I’m rediscovering an old friend – me. It’s like I’ve been in mom survival mode for so long that I don’t know how to get out of it. Now that my children are all 14 and older, I’m not constantly needed for their basic survival. At first, I wasn’t sure I liked that very much. Now I’m realizing that I love it.

I threw myself into motherhood when my daughter was born with determination and zeal. Once she came along, I never knew I could love someone so much. This precious little baby depended on me for everything and I was her world. It was not something I ever expected to experience, because I grew up not wanting children. I saw them as annoying, loud, sticky, messy and needy. That is true sometimes, but not all. They’ve grown on me.

I never saw myself as the mother type, but I guess God didn’t agree. Even in my 20s I never thought about having kids. I didn’t think I’d be very good at being a mom, because I have always been impatient. But I threw myself into it with an iron will. I was going to be the best mother ever and prove myself wrong. The verdict is still out on whether I’m a success or not - I wouldn’t ask my teen daughter or teen stepsons because at this point, parents are dumb. Let’s give it until they’re 35 or so.

When my daughter was small, she was my shadow. She stuck to me like glue. I couldn’t even sit on the couch without her being tightly pressed up against me. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy” became a chant I heard in my sleep. She always had something to show me, needed my help with something or simply wanted my attention. The minute she turned 12 everything changed in an instant. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t expect it so suddenly. Her three stepbrothers before her had made the change much more gradually. This was like being struck by lightning.

You would have thought, based on what I told you above, that this was the day I had been waiting for. But it wasn’t. It was awful and I didn’t know how to handle it. I went from being someone’s hero to being their nemesis. My constant companion preferred to be in her room, on the phone with her friends. The boys went through a similar phase, but not as much.

Over the past couple of years, I feel like I’m getting to a good place. I remind myself daily that our job as parents is to raise independent, productive members of society. The fact that the kids all know how to do their own laundry and don’t need me to do it is a good thing. I taught them that. The fact that they are social and have friends who love them is a good thing. That’s what I wanted. The fact that three out of the four can drive and my days of playing chauffeur are numbered is a good thing. Right? These are the thoughts I repeat over and over in my head when I feel sad that they don’t seem to need me anymore. Except when they need money. Or food. They never stop eating.

As they get older, I find myself reclaiming time that was once eaten up. This summer, I gave myself permission to take up the hobbies I used to love that somehow fell by the wayside when motherhood came along. Maybe all mothers don’t let that happen (good for you!), but I did. I think deep down I felt guilty if I ever spent time on myself, like I wasn’t being productive enough or not fulfilling my mom/wife duty. I know, I know, that’s not healthy. But at least I realize it and am trying to rewire myself. Why do we feel like that?

I think that’s one reason I didn’t want to be a mom when I was younger. I was worried about losing myself and for awhile, I did. I was worried I wouldn’t be good at it, so I went overboard. Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t change a thing. I love those kids so much. But I am more than a mother – I am a journalist. I love to read and travel. I love to laugh with friends. I’m very shy but have forced myself to become an extrovert. I am me. After being in mom survival mode for so long, it’s nice to remember that I’m more than a dishwasher, caretaker, laundress, chauffeur, bank, maid, etc. I know the kids still need me – it’s just changing. And I think it’ll be better than ever.