Sarah Nigbor

The holidays are officially in full swing and it certainly seems we will have a white Christmas after the Thanksgiving storm we received. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Like Coach Andrew, my colleague who writes about winter activities this week, I love winter and think it’s a beautiful season.

One thing that isn’t beautiful is watching someone you love struggle with addiction. I have a family member who is a recovering alcoholic and “fell off the wagon” this year after maintaining sobriety for more than a decade. I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on how best to help and support them. Much of the advice given goes against the very grain of my being, I’ll admit. It’s hard to watch someone spiral and have little to no control over it. I’m a fixer, but a person with this disorder has to want to fix themselves. Sometimes they can’t admit they have a problem. Sometimes they lie to hide their alcohol use, or become combative and verbally abusive when they’re drinking. It’s exhausting and disheartening.

Substance abuse disorder is a disease, same as diabetes or cancer. According to Mayo Clinic, “Alcohol use disorder is a pattern of alcohol use that involves problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol or continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems.”

Growing up in Wisconsin, we live in a drinking culture. Beer, brats and cheese curds are synonymous with our state. Alcohol is part of our celebrations. As a kid, I was surrounded by alcohol. My uncles drank beer and Windsor 7s. My mom managed a bar for awhile and I remember fondly drinking kiddie cocktails while the regulars gave me cherries. When I got older, I started drinking too. Partying with friends in high school and college, going out to the bars, waking up hung over for class. But it was fine, right? Everyone else was doing it too. Eventually, and this is hard for me to admit, I knew I was out of control. Not everyone has the ability to just stop drinking, but I did. It wasn’t easy, and my friends’ list shrunk quite a bit.

Alcoholism runs in my family. I have several family members who are recovering alcoholics or were when they were still with us. My grandpa hardly drank any alcohol, except maybe a beer once in a blue moon after mowing the lawn. His dad and his brother were alcoholics and because of their disease, he often ended up being the one to keep the family farm running, even at a young age. A comment my great-grandmother made, told to me by my grandmother, broke my heart. When her son (my grandpa’s brother) started going with his dad to the bar, she said, “Now I have two of them to deal with.”

Alcoholism and substance abuse disorder are undoubtedly hard on the person with the disease, but it’s also hard on the family members who are often taking the brunt of it. I quit drinking, for the most part, in my early 30s. It’s rare for me to have anything these days, and I think it’s because I’ve seen firsthand how much damage it can do. I didn’t want to end up being another story.

Now watching this family member struggle, especially during a time of year that is supposed to be joyous and filled with holiday magic, is heartbreaking. I’m not feeling much in the holiday spirit these days, though I’m trying. It’s been a really, really hard year. I’m trying to be supportive and positive, but in reality, I want to shake them and scream at them and make sure they know how much stress they’re putting on everybody. But that would be wrong and most likely counterproductive. They say they’re going to counseling and consulting an AODA counselor for an evaluation, and I hope that’s true. But it may be another lie. I don’t know.  

Why am I sharing something so deeply personal? Well, let’s be honest, I do that a lot. The reason is because we as a society need to stop hiding these things. We need to shatter stigmas. Shame grows in the dark. Healing needs light. People need to know they’re not alone.

If you or someone you love is struggling with alcohol or drug addiction, please know you’re not alone. There are many resources out there to help those struggling with addiction and family members being affected by that addiction. I learned a lot at al-anon.org