Dave Wood

Once again, it’s time for New Year’s resolutions. To help out our hardworking political leaders I include some reminders to help you keep at your tasks and never falter in your efforts to make a nation in your image. Pay attention now and don’t doze off while you digest the following missive drafted by a time-honored patriot:

“I address myself to all ministers of extensive dominions, which from their very greatness have become troublesome to govern, because the multiplicity of their affairs leaves no time for fiddling around. In the first place, you are to consider that a great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. Turn your attention, therefore, first to your remotest provinces; that as you get rid of them, the next may follow in order.

“However peaceably your colonies have submitted to your government, shown their affection to your interests, and patiently borne their grievances, you are to suppose them always inclined to revolt, and treat them accordingly. Quarter troops among them, who by their insolence may provoke the rising of mobs, and by their bullets and bayonets suppress them. By this means…. you may in time convert your suspicions into realities.

“You are to be careful whom you recommend to high offices. If you can find prodigals who have ruined their fortunes, broken gamesters or stockjobbers, these may do well as governors, for they will probably be rapacious, and provoke the people by their extortions. Wrangling proctors and pettifogging lawyers, too, are not amiss. To confirm these impressions and strike them deeper, whenever the injured come to the capital with complaints of maladministration or injustice, punish such with long delay, and enormous expense.

“If you are told of discontents in your colonies, never believe they are general; therefore, do not think of applying any remedy.  Take all your information of the state of the colonies from your governors and officers in enmity with them.  Suppose all the complaints to be invented and promoted by a few factious demagogues, whom if you could catch and hang, all would be quiet.  Catch and hang a few of them accordingly; and the blood of the martyrs shall work miracles in favor of your purpose.

“Send armies into their country under pretense of protecting the inhabitants; but, instead of garrisoning the forts on their frontiers with those troops to prevent incursions, demolish those forts and order the troops into the heart of the country. This will seem to proceed from your own ill will or your ignorance and strengthen an opinion among them that you are no longer fit to govern them. Lastly, invest the general of the army in the provinces with great and unconstitutional powers and free him from the control of even your own civil governors. Let him have troops enough under his command and who knows he may take it into his head to set up for himself? If he should and you have carefully practiced the few excellent rules of mine, all the provinces will immediately join him and you will that day get rid of the trouble governing them and all the plagues attending their commerce and connection from henceforth and forever.”

Excerpted by your columnist from Benjamin Franklin, “How to Make A Great Empire a Small One.”