Dave Wood

“A word by any other name might smell pretty sour.”

Pardon my offense to the Bard’s immortal words, but I just couldn’t hold back when I read about the actor Karl Malden who began as a Lithuanian miner in Gary, Indiana. He later joined the actor’s Theatre group in NYC. When director Lee Strasberg asked him his name, the former coal miner replied “Karl Mladen Sekhulovitsch.”

“That won’t do,” replied Strasberg. “We’ve got too many eastern European actors in the troupe.  From now on you’ll be Karl Malden.” Glad to be out of Gary, the young man obeyed Strasbourg and the rest is history, including “On the Waterfront,” “Baby Doll,” “Patton” etc., etc.

When his mom informed him that his father refused to watch his movies because his son had changed his name, Malden required that someone in his cast must always be named “Sekhulovitsch,” as was the actor who played Malden’s cellmate in “Birdman of Alcatraz.” 

Female actresses who made it to Hollywood suffered as well. A Norwegian chambermaid named Norma Moetenson became Marilyn Monroe; another Norske bequeathed the exotic name of Merle Oberon was Estelle Thompson in her former life. Hollywood substituted just one letter to jazz up her image when Gloria SwEnson became Gloria SwAnson. Do you suppose the swankier moniker might have delayed her Swan song as an actress?

After Gun Moll and film noir heroine Claire Trevor and the chic Cyd Charisse escaped the Jewish Ghetto they shucked their real names: Tula Finkle and Doris von Kappellhoff. 

Sandra Zuck opted for a nom de theatre that was terse and to the point and probably reflective of her GPA: Sandra D.

As a longtime film buff and reader of movie magazines that make me sick to my stomach, I have compiled a list of bad actors, not for their performing skills, but because they make my flesh itch when I see them on the screen. Leading the list is Isidor Danielovisch known to most as Kirk Douglas. Coming in second is snob par excellence Clifton Webb, who must have hated giving up his oh-so classy name: Clifton Parmalee Hollenbeck. How in the world did production ever dare to cast him as a rustic Scoutmaster? 

Another whose acting makes me cringe is Jose Ferrer, who must have also detested abandoning his aristocratic name, to wit: Jose Vincente Ferrer De Ortero y Cintron. And Roy Rogers, who was definitely not King of the Cowboys, especially after having his dead horse Trigger stuffed.   Back home, he was rightly named Leonard Slye. John Wayne might have been known by other titles than “King of the Cowboys” if Hollywood had let him keep his given name of “Marion Morrison. Notice how gracefully he walks down the Streets of Laredo.” Finally comes a bad actor who truly is a bad actor: Beatrice, Neb. native Robert Taylor, once known in the Cornhusker State as Spangler Arlington Brugh.

I could go on about show biz nomenclature, but now I turn to my hometown, Whitehall, Wis., which houses very few press agents and publicity departments, yet it’s a place where it’s not hard to find some carefully contrived names. My most skillful dentist was born Sam Iverson, but returned from dental school and hung up his shingle as “Simon Ivers, DD.S.” My mother served as personal nurse to Neil Simons, M.D. She never confused him with Neil Simon because in their hometown he was known as Nels Simonson, the kid who once ran a threshing rig to pay his way through medical school in Heidelburg, Germany.

Finally, my hat goes off to sultry actress Gale Sondergaard, born of a Danish Land O’Lakes buttermaker and proud of it.

And she’s so ORIENTAL!!