Dave Wood

My wife and I aren’t really suffering too much from the swelling price of groceries these days, perhaps partially due to the fact that in our golden years, our appetites have shrunk. But we are aware that many, many folks are suffering. So we’re doing our part to understand the hardships encountered by so many.

Here is an open letter to American wives, and in particular, the wives of our nation’ s leaders who are struggling with the nation’s economy, and doing their best to dampen the dismay raised whenever the citizens purchase a pound of ground beef. Ladies, I have an idea that may help ease your husbands’ stress out on the links and in their seats of power.

Hold on now! Melania, I’m certainly not casting aspersions on the proposals of your husband, whose efforts demonstrate he has his feet on the ground with no-nonsense plans like his well-publicized $3 meal which shows he is unlike his imperial predecessor Marie Antoinette, who told her hungry subjects to “eat cake” if they couldn’t afford a baguette. No gilded coaches for Donald, nosiree.

You’re obviously aware of your husband’s and Robert Kennedy Junior’s plan to upend the long-established food pyramid with ideas like the daily $3 meal which would fill their bellies with wholesome staples, like: One chicken leg, three florets broccoli, one tortilla, TBSP mayo.

TOTAL COST……$3!

Melania, your husband opined that such a menu was financially doable and we have learned that it is. But as a woman I think you might be able to add a touch of “housewifery,” a term used as far back as the 17^th century (See poet Ann Bradstreet, 1612-1672)

So when you go shopping – I assume you have supermarkets in Mar a Lago—prepare yourself by reading store ads in your local shopper and making a list of specials. That’s what my wife did after reading about the $3 plan. She wrote her picks on the back of a used envelope and headed for downtown River Falls (by the way, have you read about Kaleb Blaha, our nationally famous Division III quarterback? We’re a proud community!)

Guided by ads in the local shopper she came back with a Hy-Vee chicken drumstick for which she paid 40 cents, Hellman’s mayo 2 Tbsp. with coupon from Cub 13 cents, 2. oz Hy-Vee tortillas 5 cents, 1 small head Cub broccoli 40 cents. TOTAL COST...98 cents, for a savings of $2.02.

So who says women aren’t thrifty shoppers? 

Of course, Melania, you must realize this is predicated on buying in bulk which will leave you with spare drumsticks and 28 ounces of mayo, but what are freezers and cupboards for? It’s a task, but—think positively, something to keep you occupied when Don’s away reshaping the world to his liking. Besides those $2.02 savings will add up in the Hills Brothers coffee can where you can keep your extra change in the kitchen cupboards. And I’m sure Don will welcome finding it when he needs to make a downpayment on Greenland.