Dave Wood

Ever since Covid struck and we’ve been locked into our abode on Walnut Street, my Beautiful Spouse has been complaining that I’ve been watching too much TV. She hasn’t gone so far as to organize a confrontation with friends, neighbors and relatives to tell me how I am ruining my life and theirs as well.  So before B.S., er, B.W. finds the address of TV-Anon, I’m preparing a defense of my actions, just as those victims of Al-Anon do in the TV dramas I’ve been watching.

So to B.W. I say “B.W. I have not been squandering my precious time before the flickering tube. I have been preparing our household to cope with significant issues of modern life.

“Case in point. You know, B.W., how much I love poached eggs? And you know what a pain in the pot it is to poach them perfectly. You know: Add vinegar to the gently boiling water, stir that water into a whirlpool, and gently drop the deshelled ova into that whirlpool and then try to fish it out at just the right moment with a slotted spoon, only to find that the yolk is either over- or under-done? Well, My Precious (M.P.) by watching “The Kitchen” every morning for two hours, I have discovered how to get the whole job done in 58 seconds. It was like a religious experience when my favorite chef, Geoffrey Zakarian explained over the miracle of modern media, how to ‘break one egg into a porcelain coffee mug, cover it with 2 inches of cold tap water, zap it for 58 seconds, empty mug through a slotted spoon, and you will discover a perfectly poached egg, ready to garnish your corned beef hash, rye toast, cooked grits.”

I sprung from my recliner and tried his suggestion and, by gum, it worked! A firm but not too firm white, a perfectly runny yolk. I’ve encouraged many friends to try the gimmick and they report, “By gum, it worked!”

I wonder, my dear, if you realize what this all means to the advancement of western civilization, not to mention the world poultry industry, or Mary Kitchen’s Corned Beef Hash?

And television’s contributions to housewifery don’t end there. Recently at a croquet match, I was embarrassed to watch our host trying to quarter a series of underripe limes for the gin and tonics he was about to serve. As he cursed at the little green devils that bounced around, I sat down and guided him with what I had recently learned from Sunny Anderson, also a member of “The Kitchen Crew.”

“Place the lime stem-side down on the cutting board, and instead of trying to cut the fruit into wedges, slice the perimeters of the fruit into thin, flat ovals, leaving the core for the slop pail. This makes the pieces of the fruit much easier to squeeze, and you’ll get lots more juice than you would  the normal way.”

Those males here today bemused by my useless information, may have at least one culinary goal in mind similar to mine: they wonder what happened to crunchy, juicy, delicious non-nutritious head lettuce and might like to know the experts’ opinion about flabby leaf lettuce, kale, arugula and other fashionable greens, some of which have to be massaged to be chewable.

All five experts on “The Kitchen” say that head lettuce is underrated and should be returned to American tables, with a big blob of blue cheese atop each crisp slab.

I know, I know. TV is still a vast wasteland and getting worse as the shows grow shorter and the ads longer. Lord preserve us from emus who sell car insurance, Lume deodorants that get applied to areas heretofore unexamined by our ever-watching nation. For Heaven’s sake I beg TV producers: don’t cut off the scrolls that provide names of actors and their roles when a movie ends before going on to the next week-long Doris Day festival extravaganza.

Dave would like to hear from you. Phone him at 715-426-9554.